Cashew Nut Self

I came up with writing this blog to describe or assess myself. I may partly know myself, but I'm not sure if that is how other people see me too.

Let's start by describing the title of this blog, which I relate to myself, the cashew nut. If you've ever tried grilling or baking the freshly removed nut from the cashew fruit, you know it has a very hard shell before you can get to the delicious kernel inside. Well, that's the only example I can think of right now. 😂 I am that kind of person (for me), who looks strong or hard when I'm with other people. Strong in terms of my emotions and personal problems. I may not cry easily in front of everybody, even if I am carrying a very heavy problem. Even if I am alone too, if I am about to remember a hard part of my current situation and was about to cry, I will try to divert my attention so that I will forget that concern in my mind. Yeah, I am that kind of person. I don't know if it is also kind of related to what kind of friend I am. I always feel bothered by my actions in front of my friends who have problems or are in tough situations. I didn't show any sadness or affection even though I am worried too. Sometimes I thought I am very selfish, but I am not really good at comforting other people. I didn't even know how to ask a simple question, "Are you okay?". And most of the time, it really bothers me after realizing the things I've done in front of other people. Did I hurt him/her? Is my approach right/respectful? It's like the regrets are always at the end after doing things you really don't want to do. Or am I just overreacting to some things that for other people, it was just nothing. Well, that's me. If there will be a psychologist who will be able to read this then please do assess what kind of person I am. By the way, in my personality test I'm Consul (ESFJ-A). For your reference. So some of these statements may answer why I was like that.

Going back to the cashew nut, I think I want other people to see me as a strong person. That's why I look like a happy-go-lucky person. I don't take things seriously, or I mean I don't stress myself over things. Especially at this age, I think being stressed with other things makes me a toxic person too. Because yeah, most of the things that give me stress are from toxic persons in my environment. I may complain about it sometimes, but I will just let it slide after that. No big deal.

But sometimes I am an overthinker too? I want to believe that these people are good or they are what you are expecting them to be, but you really don't know. I just always wish that they are the good person I am thinking they are. I just want to believe in the goodness of everything and hoping I was not wrong. Because sometimes or most of the time, I have a good judgment of a person's personality.

On the other side, I am a very weak person if I am alone. It is when I release all the burdens I am carrying. Sometimes or most of the time, I just cry all of a sudden. It's like you just want to give up, but then again, you can't. You still have a lot of responsibilities, and you need to be strong to provide the needs of the people you love. But other people didn't know I am like that because for them, I'm that kind of person who is always happy. My closest friends will not even notice I have a problem if I will not tell them about it. Maybe because I don't want other people to pity me? I don't want them to see my weakness? Or am I expecting them to automatically realize my feelings if ever I'm in a hard situation?

At this age, I had a lot of realizations about myself. I want to be a good person all the time to hurt others and to spread positivity with others too. I want to influence other people how to be good, but when I am out there in the battlefield, I can't really control myself and forget the script I have prepared. You know, you cannot control the people around you. You cannot control other circumstances. You cannot predict your destiny.

I actually want myself to always remember this verse in my daily life - "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry..." from the book of James (1:19). But then when I get out of my room, I will forget about it. Do you have any technique how to do this?

If you do, please share what effective strategies you have. Though I am not expecting anyone to have a chance to read this blog, that's why I'm writing it here for personal use too. 😂

Well, that's all for this blog for now.